It's Official

OK, I've finally decided to add to the tattoo on my left shoulder. I've been thinking about it since 2004, so I think I've 'thought it over' enough. The tattoo on my back is a kanji symbol just in black ink. I've wanted to add something colorful that keeps the Asian 'feel' to my tattoos' I have another one of a lotus flower design on the left side of my chest.

Anyway, I've thought long and hard about what I wanted to add to the tattoo on my back. It is really only a small tattoo as it is now. Maybe 2x2 inches. I wanted to semi surround it with something and also increase the size to cover the whole upper left side of my back. OK maybe not that much, but at least increase it in size to about 6x6 inches.

At first, I thought I wanted a moon design, but it never really felt 'right' even if some of the designs were 'pretty'. My tattoos mean something to me, and I wasn't going to add anything unless it could add meaning to the original tattoo. So, I have been thinking for about two years about what the tattoo really means to me and what visual could be added that would enhance it [and be pretty].

That tattoo is all about "Transformation" for me. It represents the best of me coming forward from someplace deep inside and the casting off of things and/or damage that held me back. It is about the changes that bring growth and peace, and a wonderful sense of being perfect in my own skin.

Additionally, I wanted to somewhat incorporate the influence that someone has had in my life into that tattoo as he was also part of the one I have now, even he was not part of the actual tattoo process for me.

I finally hit on it...

The Phoenix.

That is perfect. Absolutely perfect. So many old fears gone and in so many ways, I truly have been re-born. I've decided to do color with this too. Gone are the black ink on white skin [all my tattoos are currently just black ink]. It's time for color to be added.

Additionally "A Phoenix" is also one of the Astrological symbols for Pluto [Transformation] and the person that has most influenced this in me has his Pluto conjunct his Sun, making him very much like the Phoenix--always growing, searching, thinking, shedding the old, becoming the new. He personifies transformation in so many ways. Not surprising due to the planetary aspect, but to me he is always trying to move forward no matter how much of a struggle that is sometimes.

It's so perfect. I can't imagine why it took me so long to see it.

I've found several designs. I just have to find a new artist, because the girl who did mine isn't around any longer.

So, I'm quite happy with the decision. In fact I'm REALLY happy.

Here is a pretty good rendering of what I am talking about. OK, maybe it will be bigger than 6x6, but I love ink. It's just a good rendering of what I want. The existing tattoo can go in one of the encircled areas. That can be adjusted around the tattoo I already have. The tails can fall down my back.

Lies and lovers

I was watching the most recent episode of "Nip/Tuck" and there was an interesting scene between the two lead doctors. One has cancer the other is recovering from an attack and is pretending to still be unable to walk. Julian comes to talk to Sean and the lead up scenes make you believe that he's going to get angry over the ruse of pretending to still be unable to walk. He'd certainly have every right, especially since he's got troubles of his own [cancer]. But instead, he tells Sean that he must be tired of always having to be the one in charge, helping others, doing everything [Julian is the irresponsible one really, although he is learning]. That he can stay in that chair as long as he needs to. I saw a look of tender love in Julian's face as he said it. He knew Sean was lying. He also knew Sean *needed* to lie.

Then Julian has to run to throw up [from chemo] and as Julian is puking his guts out, Sean appears to 'be there' for Julian--he is out of his wheelchair. It was one of the best scenes I've seen in a long, long time due to its haunting acceptance of human frailty. Its complete understanding that none of us is perfect and our needs manifest in unusual ways sometimes.

It made me think not just about the love between friends, but the love between lovers. How we can see the needs in a lover and understand--accept. Sometimes we need and we go about obtaining our needs in some unusual ways. Some people lie, but mostly they are lying to themselves that a lie is even needed. Those that love in return can see the need and accept the lie. It isn't always enabling, sometimes it is how we show real love.

Not that I think lying is the right choice, but then who am I to judge what is right for others.. Honesty is always better. But, I saw in that scene between Julian and Sean how the lie can be accepted. How sometimes being accepted with all our flaws is all we really need.

I also thought about the degree of love and understanding it takes to see and allow a lover to have a delusion or a lie in order to work something more important out. Like Julian saw that Sean was taking a much needed "time out" by staying in his wheel chair. That people around him allowed him to "check out" because they saw his injury as a good enough reason. If he had been walking around, he could not have asked for the "time out". Or he thought so anyway, or he wouldn't have lied about his condition. And I wonder if he could have asked for a vacation from his responsibilities. Would those that knew him let him?

It was such a thought provoking episode. Really deep with regards to what we need and how we go about getting what we need come hell or high water. I usually resent Julian so much, but he saw Sean's need, despite his own struggle with cancer. It was so moving. Really moving.

Which came first....

...the chicken or the egg.

It's one of those philosophical mind teasers that used to really drive me crazy because I thought there had to be an answer. Everything has to begin somewhere. It's the nature of the physical universe--they have a beginning; they change; and then things end.

My mother is one of those mind teasers. Oh, not who she is, I know who she is, but my relationship with her. Did I become angry when I was young because she was so distant and uninvolved, or did she become distant and uninvolved because I was so angry? Which came first? Or did it begin one way, and then flip flop somewhere in the middle?

I like to assume that because I was the child, and probably not born angry, that it was her choices as a mother that made the first impact on me emotionally. I'm not a emotionally selfish adult, and I don't recall ever being an emotionally high maintenance child. But regardless of which came first, it was her mothering that fostered a lot of my anger.

Now travel to our present day relationship. I look at it on days like today and notice that each time I hang up the phone after a call to her just to chat, that the entire conversation was about what she is doing, how she is feeling, where she is going, or my siblings. I'm never asked the follow up question of "and how are you?" Sometimes it passes by me and I don't even notice. I'm either busy, or just emotionally in a good enough place not to look at every slight there is to find. But sometimes, sometimes it hurts. Today it hurt. She never asks how I am. Never. Sometimes I am aggressive and I interject it into the conversation, but usually I just feel she doesn't really want to know. I feel that way because she never asks.

In processing the pain of that, I had to look at the fact that while as a child she might have been too busy, or favored another child, or whatever caused my anger, that my own anger and pain have for years been defining my relationship with her. That while her mothering created the anger and pain in me, my anger and pain have created something too. We've both bee creating the relationship and today that creation is what it is--problematic.

It's easy to shout "but she did this or that to me..." It's easy to do, and not even a total lie. That's why it is so easy. But the "She started it" and "it's her fault" line of reasoning doesn't solve my problem at all. I've long since passed the stage where I want to live in self-righteous anger and point a finger at those that 'done me wrong'. I want to live in peace--with others but mostly with myself. And that peace has a cost. It means taking responsibility for how my anger and pain have created the relationships I have with some people. How I create my own distance, conflict, and disappointment. because let's face it, no one wants to be around a person who constantly angry or has a seething rage just below the surface towards us. The anger, no matter how justified becomes intolerable.

In other words it has a shelf life.

I left my anger towards my mother behind me a long time ago. Once my brother died, I just couldn't muster the energy to be angry with her any longer. My brother's death was enough pain for her to ever have to live with, and I just didn't ever want to add to that burden. I swore to myself then I would never raise my voice in anger towards her again, and I have kept my word. It has been good for me because I really haven't been angry with her. I've been emotionally triggered at times, but never angry. So, whatever I did to get to this place of peace with her, I realize it has been good for me.

She'd lost as son. I'd lost my son too. We had a bond of pain that just put out the fire of anger in me. I thought at the time, and up to a few months ago, that ending my anger would put everything right again. How self-involved that thinking was. How utterly and completely narcissistic it is to think that all hostilities would end just because I wasn't angry any longer. But, now that I'm no longer angry, I'm left with what my anger towards her created in her.

For the first time, I see that there is no answers to 'what came first?". Did my anger create the relationship we have now? Did my anger flow from something she did? How do you balance the two? None of these questions can offer any relevant answers for me any more. They only serve to rekindle the anger and pain--nothing more.

Each time I get triggered, I feel the pain of years of being invisible and yet, I now see how years of my own anger created someone that she simply did not *want to see* any longer Each fed into the other and formed what we have now.

And I do not know how to change any of that. I think that once something is created, it cannot be un-created. It can only be modified. It has to flow/grow/whatever out of what it is now. It can never go back to where it began to begin over.

That's a depressing thing to really 'get'.

PSA ~ Mercury Retrograde

Just a friendly Public Service Announcement

Mercury will be going retrograde in 2009 on:
January 11th until February 1st.
May 7th to May 31st.
September 7th to September 29th.
December 26th to January 15th [2010].

What does that mean? Are you having problems being understood? Having arguments with siblings? Do you normally find communication easy, and suddenly it feels like your tongue is wrapped up in cotton? Welcome to Mercury Retrograde?

One of the side-effects of this retrograde is to re-experience unresolved issues/problems/crisis concerning relationships. It's important to try and focus attention on the reality of the present rather than on losing oneself to the past and past experiences. Basically this retrograde is concerned with relationships and communication.

By transit, this planet goes retrograde 3 times a year [although in 2009 it will go retrograde 4 times] and statistically goes retrograde more often in Fire signs than any other. I believe Air was next in line regarding frequency (But, I'm not sure so don't quote me on that statistic). This stat has lead me to believe these retrograde periods were meant to be a time of reflection and inspiration (fire), marking it as a period of time for the inculcation of all we experience. Sort of an opportunity to get oneself back on track; to look at the reality of choices, etc.

Mercury is the thinker and we need to step back and think about where we are going every now and then. Lucky for us Mercury offers us 3-4 times a year to get ourselves back on track during each year. I've come to the conclusion that many times communication is delayed for a very good reason. While it may be frustrating if you do not use the period of time for reflection, it can certainly be a great benefit to the attainment of goals to step back and 'think" about things for a moment.

Not only can this period delay mail, the signing of contracts, the phone won't ring, the email won't arrive, it will cause all manner of havoc with the sending and receiving of communication. Not so much arguments (that is Mars retro), but definitely misunderstandings that wouldn't normally occur will pop up during this time.

We feel out of sync with our ability to 'tell' people who we are and what we want, and we also feel we don't understand others. That's probably because we don't understand them right now. And maybe we're not supposed to, maybe this is a time to pull in and reassess 'who we are'.

In other words it is time to have a talk with ourselves.

Mercury Retrogrades are key to developing an accurate picture of our inner life, the manner in which we analyze things, how we look at them, how our minds communicate to us about the environment, and most importantly how we interpret what we see and hear. All of this is the domain of Mercury. We feel scattered and even out of control of the most basic of functions -- communication. Unfortunately, this is normal for this period. We might hate it, but it is normal.

It is a time to reevaluate what we think about, how we think, and why we think about it. All of this leads us to a better understanding of who we really are. The 3 retrogrades each year offer us short period of time to do a reality check with our inner self using the mental body as a tool to do the evaluation. It can be a mini intensive of therapy or it can be your worst nightmare. It all depends on your actual state of mind and the environment you find yourself in. Whatever the experience is, know that it is a short period of time and that "This too shall end".

People experience a retrograde differently but basically fall into three types of experience. Planets will manifest in one of the 3 following ways:

1. Constantly jumping ahead, trying to live the future NOW. The native is constantly trying to make the future occur NOW.

2. Feelings of Déjà vu dominate the life experiences.

3. Looking ahead to a future that the native has already lived or in other words constantly repeating past experiences. Regression into former loves whose memories carry strongly into the present incarnation. This type of retrograde process acts as a constant repetition of past life events that were left unresolved. The native in this instance is not living in present time.

Things to try and avoid:

Try to avoid making important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is very likely that these decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. Mercury is all about mental clarity and the power of the mind, so when Mercury is retrograde these intellectual characteristics tend to be less acute than usual, as the critical faculties are dimmed. Make sure you pay attention to the small print.

The key issue here is one of focus. Mercury's retro phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages, but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods is often due to our own inability to deal with everyday occurrence that would have never bothered us, or we would have let them go at another time.

Mercury retrograde sets out to restructure our thinking processes and for many of us this is painful and frustrating. Moreover, these experiences reveal flaws in our internal organization as well as our external planning.

Why am I telling you all this... I don't know I thought it might help, but mostly I wrote it for myself. Sometimes even astrologers need to remember they are under the same influences the rest of you are.

Still the One

Just because....

Finding Elmo [or lost JS Favorties]

It's interesting to think about the other journals I used to read. I mean, when Journalspace went down, I was pissed about my own journal and one other's especially, but it didn't hit me regarding ALL of my favorites until I found so many here on Blogger. As soon as I began to find poeple this overwhemlimng feeling came over me. The enormity of the loss of JS took my breath away.

I know that sounds dramatic, and maybe it is. Maybe I woulnd't have known I'd miss them all if I'd never found them. I tend to try to push sad emotions away and 'move on'. But since I have found so many over the past few days, now I can say.. "I'm so glad I can still read about your lives and keep in touch in our own small way."

Journalling is a lot like being pen-pals. We write about our lives and put it out there for friends and such to read up on. We stay connected in that way.

I'm glad I'll still be able to feel connected to so many.

Just thought I'd say that.

Late nights with Anaïs Nin

I was reading some Anaïs Nin late last night. Yes, I couldn’t sleep. I’ll go through a period of insomnia, I usually do when I am like this. Every emotion like an exposed wire in a rain storm. Every reaction a spark that jolts. It makes it impossible to relax long enough to go to sleep, although I have of course caught a few hours here and there.

Anyway, back to Anaïs Nin, I was reminded in my reading of,

”Passion gives us moments of wholeness.” Anaïs Nin, Volume One 1931-1934

When you are put together the way I am on the inside, it is exactly as she writes. This is a pretty well known quote, but it is well known for a good reason. Passionate people, people who are ruled by their passions, are driven by the #1 passion of all–to be whole again. To be one with, or whatever you want to call it, it is a drive to ‘be’ with ???? something. To express yourself as part of something greater.

It can be through many things. I am often at one with my writing. Not always, but often enough that I realize that writing is one avenue for me to express that passion to ‘be’ with some *thing*, to be made whole, to be joined with something. Writing is the expression of one of my passions–it is an expression of self.

Love is another of my passions. There are many kinds of passion that drive love in all of us. But the passion to be made whole with another person, is one of the most enduring I think. I don’t mean made ‘better’ or ‘healed’ (which is of course a passion of its own as well, just not what I’m talking about), I mean made whole.

That sense that you are a ‘mirror’ image of another. That there is some cosmic thread that actually *does* connect the two of you. Not a soul mate, (which BTW is widely over stated by most westerners) but that sense that you have met someone who truly understands who you are or at least is on the same wave length so they can ‘try’ to understand. How much can we truly know of another, we barely know ourselves.

Like two pieces of a puzzles you fit together in some image that just makes ‘perfect sense’, and for someone like me, fitting those pieces together is one of my long standing passions.

Like Anaïs Nin said, this passion can bring moments of ‘wholeness’. I know. I’ve been there. I’ve looked into a mirror and seen my reflection in another’s eyes. I’ve been gazed upon and known that he saw his reflection in mine. Pure moments of ecstasy. Moments of ‘wholeness’.

I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic — in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.” Anaïs Nin

This quote is one of my favorites. I’ve reread my journal this morning, well, the entries for the last few days. I can see that some of it is so completely me, caught up in my passions. I would normally apologize for that, I’ve been known to feel guilty for such outright expression of self, but I won’t. Not this time.

I’m not crazy, but I accept my dalliances outside the norm of society. I don’t just accept them, I embrace them. I do live in my world. What world would anyone have me live in but mine? Yours? I do not belong in your world, you do.

All my life I have sought to become adjusted not to the world and what it tells me I must be, but to myself. I am who I am. I will not lay on a couch to be molded into an acceptable norm, by a doctor who has no clue.

I will not accept the admonitions of friends who say, “Move on,” or “you did this to yourself”. Of course I did it to myself.

I cry. They say ‘you brought this on yourself’.

Nice, neat, and let’s get to the important stuff now, “How about those Yankees?”

If I have been driven crazy by my passions, then so be it. I am passionate. I love intensely and completely. I do not say that as an excuse not to take responsibility for my own actions. It is not an excuse to reek havoc in the streets or with family and friends. I accept my passions as part of me. I also accept responsibility for where they led me and for those consequences.

BUT I will not accept ‘you did it to yourself’ as an indictment that should now bring me shame. No, I refuse to see this as some sort of mistake I made that needs to be accepted. I will not wallow in some sort of regret because my passions were misspent. Because they were not, and are not.

They are mine. I direct them. I know why I love. I know why I made the choice. I was not some simpering doormat who was unable and incapable of seeing the choices I made, and I knew the risks all the while. I will not bow my head in shame–EVER!

I cry. That is not shame.

I suffer loss. That is not regret.

I reached my hand out to someone, knowing it was close to the fire. I still reach my hand out, knowing it may again be burned because it is too close to the flame. I don’t care. Those who see that as foolishness, so be it. I cannot explain what you cannot see.

The flame does not burn, it brings ecstasy.