I’m not sure what this topic has anything to do with anything, but it has been on my mind for a few weeks. When something stays on my mind, I know it’s
time to write about it.
So, when is understanding and acceptance like being hit over
the head with a blunt object?
I think there is a misunderstanding in the minds of a lot of
people when it comes to understanding and
acceptance. We all know the kind of acceptance that involves existing
facts. For example, we all accept that
the sun comes up every morning. When a
friend is ill, or a loved one is hurt, we all accept that it is sad for them, or
painful. They will need help and
nurturing.
The phrases, “I need space”, “I need time”, and any of the
other incarnations this plea can take are frequently legitimate. I urge all my clients to accept that these
needs are real and should be honored whenever possible. One cannot talk a man or woman out of needing
these things anyway. Humans have
needs. It’s only when one person’s needs
are paramount instead of being balanced with the needs of others.
But, we all need to remember that for every action, there is
an equal and opposite reaction. We will
all find ourselves on both sides of this coin at some point in our lives, and
not only does there have to be acceptance of reality on one side, but there has
to be acceptance of the reality that one action will cause another’s reaction.
In my experience, so many people think that just because
they have explained the situation at the outset, that it means the action
itself is consequence free. It
isn’t. We may all recognize the truth of
another’s situation or needs, but it doesn’t mean the situation doesn’t have an
effect on us. It has consequences.
I was recently in a conversation where I was told, “But you
knew I had to do it. You knew what was
on my plate.”. And I did know. I did understand. I did accept the reality of the
situation. But the statement wasn’t
meant to make me understand any further truth, it was to invalidate my reaction
to it. Essentially saying that since I
knew the situation, that I should have had “no reaction”. As if my acceptance of the truth of the
matter meant I was not entitled to my reactions
[cause and effect].
In this example, a partner takes his [or her] space for an
extended period, comes back, and then expects life to just go on as it was
before. He or she expects no
recriminations, no consequences, and no conflict.
For the rest of us, these experiences are situational, less
severe, and can usually be solved, but the mechanism is often the same. Ultimately acceptance of another’s situation
often results in losing our ability to express our own truth, or our own
reaction to the situation. Simply put,
we’re expected to just “suck it up”.
Suddenly, one’s own gift of understanding and acceptance towards the
situation of another is turned into a blunt object, and we’re rendered mute,
and accused of all manner of thing if we express a reaction.
I urge clients to find ways of accepting the realities of
others, but at the same time urge them of find their own voice and express
their own reactions to the experiences. It
simply isn’t an either/or world. People can understand and accept, and still
have legitimate reactions to circumstances.
In my opinion, a person who needs the time is entitled to the time, but
also must deal with the consequences of that action. In other words, “take responsibility” for
what is created—both good and bad.
More often than not, it is all about one person not seeing
the consequences of an action, and no matter how right they may feel about
“taking some time” or whatever the situation is or was, there will always be
consequences that have to be accepted as well.
It just works that way. There are no free passes when it
comes to relationships and the effects created, and ultimately if
responsibility isn’t taken, there is no harmony.
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