The Twilight Saga

OK, so I've been sick, and the Twilight Movies were on all weekend.  I watched them because well, it was the only thing on that wasn't a re-run for me or simply unacceptable in my fevered state.  I'd never seen any of them, so I decided what the hell, I've got no place to be anytime soon.

What's that you say? You can't believe I've never seen any of the movies. Well, no, I haven't. I'm all grown up and usually don't watch teenage angst movies even if they are all about vampires and such. I'm a grownup.

I liked the Series. I'm not sure I'd ever be in the OMG, Edward and Bella, I can't wait to see what happens territory. Remember, I am a grown up. I survived being a teenager and I'm not so old I don't remember I BARELY survived it. But, I can see what the fuss was about.

I liked the Twilight Universe a lot. I liked the whole Cullen clan. I loved the traditions and oral traditions of the werewolves. The Universe is really rich with possibilities for storytelling, so it made the movies more appealing right off the bat.

I did not like Bella so much, although the actress played "quirky teenager" really well. The one thing I did like is that I believed she was a misfit in her own world. But, I'm not sure I think that Bella is all that tbh. I do however see why Edward was so taken with her. In a world filled with no surprises at all [given his gift], she must have been a constant source of delight and surprise [besides all the puffed up raging hormones etc.]

I think I liked "New Moon" the best, but it should have shown us more of what Edward was doing during the separation imo. I know the tale is told primarily from Bella's POV, but I would have been more interested in a story that showed more of the Cullens and Edward in New Moon. That said, I know New Moon is about Bella and Jacob, but I've got my opinions and that's that. Bella's angst needed to be broken up a bit more imo.

I know the absence of Edward from the screen was a device to make the audience feel the separation along with her, but as I said, I'm all grown up, and I still remember how painful a separation at that age can be. You want to die, blah blah blah. I know it is real, but give us old ones a break, like I said, we barely survived our own Edward in our own real life, and we didn't need to be sold on Bella's pain. We remember.

The scenes with the Volturi in "New Moon" and all the back info about them was fascinating. And again with "Breaking Dawn Parts I & II", it's the Volturi that sold it for me.

So, there you go, I revisited by hormone saturated youth and felt the pain and loss of that period, so I was happy the young lovers finally married and well, will live happily ever after. I was a nice weekend watching poor Bella decide between Edward and Jacob, only there never was any real question was there?

You see, I do remember. Once bitten [yes pun intended], you can't be swayed from your path to "true love", you can only be comforted along the way. And here is where I think the whole series does hit the mark. Using the intensity and passion of the Vampire world to tell this kind of young love story hits the mark emotionally. There is no time in our lives when the passion is as strong, and the danger is as great. We love so intensely, we do want to die when that love is denied.

So, I vote a thumbs up on the entire series, if only to resurrect all those feelings of love lost from your own memories. Yes, we all felt like Bella over someone.

Can women really be friends?

So, I have this [what shall I call him] boyfriend/lover/friend.. sort of ex.  We are still quite close, even though we are not really intimate any longer.

He has always encouraged me to be friends with the women in his life.  His wife [now an ex].  His new lovers.  His female friends.  All of them.  He has always encouraged me to meet, talk, develop our own relationships.. for ourselves--not for his sake.

And, sooner or later, I have always tried.  I made contact.  I extended the hand of friendship.  I found some common interest.  I made all the moves.  But, not once did it ever work.  NOT. ONCE.

Most times, there wasn't even a polite, non-interested interest.  You know the kind of casual coolness that relatives save for you [if you are the black sheep like me].  The kind of reaction that lets you know you are not welcome now, or ever.

Why am I writing about this?  Because I don't know how to ask him to stop saying to me, "I think you two would get along.  Why don't you contact her."  I just don't know how to tell him that however much he loves these women, they do not love, or even like each other, and none of them like me.  Not even a little bit.

Problems.  Problems.  I think about this situation and ponder the things I've tried in order to maybe find a friend, and I look at my own personal history, and I wonder if women can ever be friends when it comes to sort of sharing time with a man.  I mean, in my experience, women are and have been pretty cut throat about that, even if the man in question would be happy if a friendship developed.

How do I tell him that?

Can we be friends?

It's an interesting question that we've all faced, or presented to someone, in our lives. An intimate relationship encounters whatever happenstance, and it needs to change--dramatically. It needs to move out of romantic intimacy and make the transition to "friends only" OR it needs to end entirely.

I'm faced with just such a situation right now. And in facing this dilemma he asked if we could ever go to friends only. We've never been anything but romantic and intimate. Oh it was not love at first sight. We grew in our love, but it was intimate and romantic in energy, immediately.

I've always been able to make the transition with ex lovers before. In fact, I'm somewhat arrogant about my ability to work things out so I don't lose a lover entirely. I can do "just friends". In all those cases, I truly did make the transition too. I didn't just profess it, and feel "someday I can get him back". I didn't fool myself at all. It just happened. The love I felt mellowed, and I just was able to accept that we'd never be intimate again. We'd be just friends.

But this time, I'm not so sure, and it occurred to me that our astrological charts might reflect how this energy might work out. It was an interesting thing to look at. Something I'd really never done before, so it was a learning process I can add to my "bag of tricks" for work when helping others "try and be friends" when the romance is gone.

Looking at all my relationships, if there was one relationship that should have never been able to go "just friends" it was my ex-husband. We had a Sun/Moon conjunction that is really powerful and shows an attraction that really can't be broken. But, we somehow did do that, so apparently it takes more than a Sun/Moon conjunction [one of the most powerful aspects between charts for intimacy. It's a classic marriage aspect].

Sometimes Astrology is all about what can't happen or isn't allowed to happen in certain cross aspects. The Sun/Moon conjunction is pretty much unstoppable. It is a bond that can only be broken by circumstances outside the control of the two people [death, war, etc] and even then the people remain bonded. But, that is exactly what has happened between my ex and I--we are as bonded as ever, but we are "just friends". And we've talked about it extensively, and I don't feel either of us is in denial. I know I'm not.

So, it takes more than a Sun/Moon conjunction to stop the transition between going from lovers to "just friends". Although with another lover there was also a Sun/Moon conjunction [only reversed, my moon to his sun instead of my sun to his moon] and that is the only relationship that I could not make the transition. We still do not talk, and it's been over 10 years. It just became impossible to look at each other. We could not make the transition.

And I'll concede that the sign Aries [between my ex and I] has a better energy for making things work out, than Cancer [the one that never made the transition], which can emotionally stunt any growth or move out of the incident. So, signs involved play an important part along with the sun/moon conjunction aspect.

In my current situation, there is a sun/moon aspect, exact in degrees, but quincunx. There is an interesting addition. His Saturn is conjunct my Sun, my Saturn is conjunct his Moon. This brings us a classic male/female or yin yang energy to the relationship. The aspect itself is both good and problematic [which does describe our relationship from inception, although not between us, but in our relationship with our environments.]

Quincunx

A quincunx is present in a chart when two planets are 150 degrees from each other.

This Aspect, above all, demands that adjustments be made. Things will appear muted or unclear and one must resolve to gain some focus on the matters at hand. A reorganization of priorities, as well as a change in the way things are done, is wanting. A change in attitude, outlook and perspective can also be indicated.

It is also believed that this Aspect has karmic lessons to teach us. Along those lines, an extension of the quincunx is the Yod, also referred to as the 'Finger of God.' In this little-known configuration, considered the most fated in Astrology, two planets which are sextiling (a sixty-degree Aspect) each other are in communion with a third planet which rests opposite the midpoint of the sextile. These three planets would then form the letter 'Y' in the heavens (draw it for yourself and you'll see). The third planet, effectively at the bottom of the 'Y' figure, is the trigger point of the Yod. This very fated configuration adds great emphasis to the quincunx and speaks to significant lessons and issues to be overcome. Further, whenever a planet is transiting through the midpoint of the sextile segment of the Yod, the entire configuration is essentially on red alert. The burden is upon us to listen closely at this time, and to learn.

*sheesh*, I'd forgotten that my Sun sat right in the middle of one of his Yods. I also forgot to look at transiting Saturn when it was passing over his Sun [and the yod, and my sun]. I'll have to look at the timing on that. Shit, I wish I would remember to look at this stuff for myself.

I'm pretty sure the Saturn involved make this whole transition more difficult than it might be ordinarily. Saturn never allows for any ease in any endeavor. It's also reluctant to change roles, so I'm not sure either of us really wants to make the transition. It's not like our hearts are really in it, and with Saturn in the mix, unless we had a lot of drive to make the "just friends" work, I'm not seeing it work at all.

The Yod is a whole other story. That's a fated aspect. Generally, I don't even try to interpret what Yods might bring to the life of a couple or an individual. I'm not sure it helps to have an Astrologer explain it. It's an aspect that is meant to be lived, and for the purposes of evolution. I'm definitely not going to try and figure out what will happen in my own life. I learned a long time ago to live and let.. when it comes to using Astrology for my own life.

Still, I can "nod" my head in agreement with what I've figured out already. Much of it is what I've been feeling anyway. It's good to find some validation in Astrology though. It doesn't offer a solution in this instance, but it does make me feel less the hysterical angst ridden woman in love. I feel deeply, I am deeply in love, changing that wasn't ever going to be a walk in the park.

I suppose I was hoping for a better prospect Astrologically. I often try and let my clients know when things might resolve or what form that resolution might take. It helps to show people the light at the end of the tunnel I think. There are so many things in life we simply can't avoid, but it helps to know they will end.

The Yod and the Saturn involvement, actually don't show a nice neat and tidy end. In fact it shows exactly the opposite. That we will endure, almost for a karmic reason, and that endurance might not be fun at all. Which might make some sense if our combined lesson were some kind of experience to bring about a deeper understanding of relationships in general. The yod resides in the 5th, 7th and 12th houses. [romantic relationships, marriage and partnerships and sorrow]

Well, that was fun. I sometimes really love to look at how charts shape up in the middle of times of stress. I'm not sure I have any answers for my own situation. It seems my feelings are actually supported by the charts and aspects. So, I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill emotionally. I'm feeling an intensity, that is reflected in the bond we actually do have.

I guess all I can do is live this out.

I'd forgotten how powerful the placements were between us. I don't tend to use astrology every day in my own life. Too much of a bus-man's holiday I guess. Although I'd admonish my clients to remember exactly what I myself forgot. LOL Isn't that always my way. I think sometimes that because I'm an astrologer that I', immune from the influences of the stars. Funny, because of course I'm not immune at all. Not at all. Whenever I'm reminded of that, at least I can still smile at my naivety.

Thanks for listening, whoever you are. As you can see, I'm still here, and I'll try to write more. As you can see, I'm in the middle of some difficult things emotionally, and I need a place to vent and try and figure things out.

Time

I had a wonderful conversation with an Internet friend the other night. He's been busy lately and we've not touched base in quite a while. He was away on business and we made plans to chat by phone last Thursday. He must have called around 9pm or so, and when we finally said good-bye it was 1:30 in the morning. Time seemed to get away from us--and we both remarked that it seemed like such a short call, and yet, it had been hours and hours.

Yes, we talked about everything under the sun, but it was the element of time that has been on my mind constantly these past few days. You see, even though we'd not spoken for a long time, we had enough time to re-connect that we felt somewhat "sated". It occurred to me that when you're separated by distance and for a long time, you need to spend the time to replenish the well so to speak. You might not need to re-establish the bond of friendship, but you need to re-establish something. Something. I'm not quite sure what to call it, but something has to be re-established and only "enough" time can do it.

I never once felt that the actual friendship was in danger because of neglect. I like this fellow. Nothing was or is ever going to change that, but when I finally hung up the phone I felt like something important had taken place in that time. Something besides the good time and pleasant conversation. Something that only time well spent could create.

It made me think.

I have another friend, no really a lover, who is also distant at this time. His life is complicated and busy right now, and we are distant. I miss him terribly, but like my Internet friend, I'm not worried about the emotional bond being damaged. We will reconnect when we can, and emotionally nothing will have been lost. I know this to be true. But unlike my Internet friend, we will never have the kind of time to feel "sated" in the reconnecting. Time is a scarcity in this relationship.

A real scarcity.

And like all scarcities, certain laws apply to how they manifest. The law of scarcity means that when we can't have something, we want it more. And when we know we can have as much as we want of something, we want it less. I suppose that applies to people too, except I've noticed in myself, that I make some interesting emotional choices when it comes to scarcity. When something is scarce, I don't want it more after a while--I begin to want it less. Something in me begins to 'let go' of desire, because it becomes all to painfully obvious that I'll never be able to get enough time. Since there is nothing he can do to change the time element, the only thing I can do is change my desire for it.

I look at the scarcity, and see it differently. Eventually, I have the opposite reaction--I let go of desire. This has served me well in life, and I suppose in this particular relationship as well, since the Time factor can't be avoided. I don't let myself become obsessive or needy for time. I love him, but I don't let the Time factor distort my emotions--at least I never have prior to this other phone call with my other friend.

I was reminded how wonderful it is to have 'enough time' to re-connect. What a special place it can take you to. How complete and sated you can feel. I'd forgotten just how much of an impact on my well-being that could have. So many things in life are discovered when you get a "compared to what" moment. Moments when you can see something in a new light. See things in a profound light in fact.

With this man I love, I'm not afraid of the emotional challenges. I love him so completely. Time and distance can't destroy that. That's not my idealistic self speaking, we've managed this relationship for years and years, under the strictest of boundaries and we still love. I'm not fooling myself about that. But the one thing I had not realized is this... that despite the emotional certainty, I've never really accepted that there when we reconnect, I never feel that enough time is spent on reconnecting. Emotionally, I feel reconnected, but whatever that 'something I can't describe is' is always missing between me and him because we don't have the time. We'd never be able to spend 4+ hours on the phone on anything and everything. Talk until our voices were raw and we were exhausted from sharing every conceivable piece of trivia with each other.

And that .. depresses me, and worries me more than a little right now. I think I may be glimpsing in me, the very thing he has always worried about for me. That the lack of time would some day be more than I could take. Maybe scarcity has made me want him more and more over the years, and now that has just worn me out.

I don't know.

And that worries me too.

Lies and lovers

I was watching the most recent episode of "Nip/Tuck" and there was an interesting scene between the two lead doctors. One has cancer the other is recovering from an attack and is pretending to still be unable to walk. Julian comes to talk to Sean and the lead up scenes make you believe that he's going to get angry over the ruse of pretending to still be unable to walk. He'd certainly have every right, especially since he's got troubles of his own [cancer]. But instead, he tells Sean that he must be tired of always having to be the one in charge, helping others, doing everything [Julian is the irresponsible one really, although he is learning]. That he can stay in that chair as long as he needs to. I saw a look of tender love in Julian's face as he said it. He knew Sean was lying. He also knew Sean *needed* to lie.

Then Julian has to run to throw up [from chemo] and as Julian is puking his guts out, Sean appears to 'be there' for Julian--he is out of his wheelchair. It was one of the best scenes I've seen in a long, long time due to its haunting acceptance of human frailty. Its complete understanding that none of us is perfect and our needs manifest in unusual ways sometimes.

It made me think not just about the love between friends, but the love between lovers. How we can see the needs in a lover and understand--accept. Sometimes we need and we go about obtaining our needs in some unusual ways. Some people lie, but mostly they are lying to themselves that a lie is even needed. Those that love in return can see the need and accept the lie. It isn't always enabling, sometimes it is how we show real love.

Not that I think lying is the right choice, but then who am I to judge what is right for others.. Honesty is always better. But, I saw in that scene between Julian and Sean how the lie can be accepted. How sometimes being accepted with all our flaws is all we really need.

I also thought about the degree of love and understanding it takes to see and allow a lover to have a delusion or a lie in order to work something more important out. Like Julian saw that Sean was taking a much needed "time out" by staying in his wheel chair. That people around him allowed him to "check out" because they saw his injury as a good enough reason. If he had been walking around, he could not have asked for the "time out". Or he thought so anyway, or he wouldn't have lied about his condition. And I wonder if he could have asked for a vacation from his responsibilities. Would those that knew him let him?

It was such a thought provoking episode. Really deep with regards to what we need and how we go about getting what we need come hell or high water. I usually resent Julian so much, but he saw Sean's need, despite his own struggle with cancer. It was so moving. Really moving.