Christina Grimmie and Adam Levine: "Somebody That I Used to Know" (The V...

What comes first....

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  I suppose my entire love life has been up for review, especially since I'm thinking about a love life again.  I used to think that it was all my fault in relationships when I pulled back and threw up a wall.  I really felt a LOT of guilt about that.  I mean  lot!!!!  Guilt works on me, and I suppose it's easier for me to just blame myself than it ever was to look deeper into things.

I used to feel I was all screwed up and damaged because of my childhood and different things.  All fucked up inside of my head and when things went south in relationships, I felt it was my damage that got in the way.

You see, I can throw up a wall that no one can get by.  And, I mean no one.  I can freeze anyone out.  I don't even know how to take the wall down, but I used to think that it did come down to let certain people in.  I used to think that almost magically it would come down, and then go back up unexpectedly, and I was either happy to not be alone and loved,  or sad because I was on the wrong side of the wall with everyone else on the other side.  I used to think it was all my fault.

I've always been able to feel when someone is no longer thinking of me or loving me.  I knew they were gone.  I knew it because they were on the other side of the wall.  The interest gone.  The desire behind the wall.  I could, and can, literally feel it.  I sometimes convinced myself that I was being paranoid, sloughed it off as fear and insecurity, but it was always true.  Someone had left.  Left me along behind my wall.  Leaving me to wonder if anyone could get past it ever again.

Now, I'm not so sure the wall has ever gone up or down on any whim or because I was in love or wanted to be.  I think the wall is always there.  Always!  It never came down to let someone in.  Someone just wanted to get in so intensely that I couldn't stop them.  I think that is the story of my love life.  The men in my life have been so intent and intense about me that I simply could not stop them from getting close to me. But, I never let down my wall.  They just joined me behind my wall.

The wall never came down of my own volition.  It was battered down by them.  It was battered down by interest, desire, and well, love I suppose.  In fact, that's how I know someone is interested in me, or loves me.  Sometimes I don't know why or how, but I can feel it when someone likes me intensely.  I'm suddenly not alone in my bubble.  Someone is there with me, and they really want to know me.  It's so intense.  It always has been.

But, when they were no longer interested, the wall did not come back up.  They simply no longer had the interest or the desire to break it down.  They stepped out of the bubble and well, just left.  That's how I know they have gone.  It feels literally exactly like that.  It feel as if they are literally gone, even if they are standing right in front of me.  It's the loneliest feeling in the world when it happens during sex.  I'm being touched, but there is no desire.  I'm behind my wall and they, well, they are thinking of someone else or something else, or just bored with me.  It doesn't really matter why they lost interest, they did.

I've beaten myself up all my life because I could not solve the puzzle of my "wall".  It seemed to be so capricious and it had no logic, not even my damaged corrupted logic.  But, now I see it so clearly.

The wall has never come down.  It was just penetrated at times, and then I was abandoned.  Me on one side, and everyone else on the other.

At least I am safe.  Ya know.

Secret/Ain't no sunshine Live - Maroon 5