I had a wonderful conversation with an Internet friend the other night. He's been busy lately and we've not touched base in quite a while. He was away on business and we made plans to chat by phone last Thursday. He must have called around 9pm or so, and when we finally said good-bye it was 1:30 in the morning. Time seemed to get away from us--and we both remarked that it seemed like such a short call, and yet, it had been hours and hours.
Yes, we talked about everything under the sun, but it was the element of time that has been on my mind constantly these past few days. You see, even though we'd not spoken for a long time, we had enough time to re-connect that we felt somewhat "sated". It occurred to me that when you're separated by distance and for a long time, you need to spend the time to replenish the well so to speak. You might not need to re-establish the bond of friendship, but you need to re-establish something. Something. I'm not quite sure what to call it, but something has to be re-established and only "enough" time can do it.
I never once felt that the actual friendship was in danger because of neglect. I like this fellow. Nothing was or is ever going to change that, but when I finally hung up the phone I felt like something important had taken place in that time. Something besides the good time and pleasant conversation. Something that only time well spent could create.
It made me think.
I have another friend, no really a lover, who is also distant at this time. His life is complicated and busy right now, and we are distant. I miss him terribly, but like my Internet friend, I'm not worried about the emotional bond being damaged. We will reconnect when we can, and emotionally nothing will have been lost. I know this to be true. But unlike my Internet friend, we will never have the kind of time to feel "sated" in the reconnecting. Time is a scarcity in this relationship.
A real scarcity.
And like all scarcities, certain laws apply to how they manifest. The law of scarcity means that when we can't have something, we want it more. And when we know we can have as much as we want of something, we want it less. I suppose that applies to people too, except I've noticed in myself, that I make some interesting emotional choices when it comes to scarcity. When something is scarce, I don't want it more after a while--I begin to want it less. Something in me begins to 'let go' of desire, because it becomes all to painfully obvious that I'll never be able to get enough time. Since there is nothing he can do to change the time element, the only thing I can do is change my desire for it.
I look at the scarcity, and see it differently. Eventually, I have the opposite reaction--I let go of desire. This has served me well in life, and I suppose in this particular relationship as well, since the Time factor can't be avoided. I don't let myself become obsessive or needy for time. I love him, but I don't let the Time factor distort my emotions--at least I never have prior to this other phone call with my other friend.
I was reminded how wonderful it is to have 'enough time' to re-connect. What a special place it can take you to. How complete and sated you can feel. I'd forgotten just how much of an impact on my well-being that could have. So many things in life are discovered when you get a "compared to what" moment. Moments when you can see something in a new light. See things in a profound light in fact.
With this man I love, I'm not afraid of the emotional challenges. I love him so completely. Time and distance can't destroy that. That's not my idealistic self speaking, we've managed this relationship for years and years, under the strictest of boundaries and we still love. I'm not fooling myself about that. But the one thing I had not realized is this... that despite the emotional certainty, I've never really accepted that there when we reconnect, I never feel that enough time is spent on reconnecting. Emotionally, I feel reconnected, but whatever that 'something I can't describe is' is always missing between me and him because we don't have the time. We'd never be able to spend 4+ hours on the phone on anything and everything. Talk until our voices were raw and we were exhausted from sharing every conceivable piece of trivia with each other.
And that .. depresses me, and worries me more than a little right now. I think I may be glimpsing in me, the very thing he has always worried about for me. That the lack of time would some day be more than I could take. Maybe scarcity has made me want him more and more over the years, and now that has just worn me out.
I don't know.
And that worries me too.
Yes, we talked about everything under the sun, but it was the element of time that has been on my mind constantly these past few days. You see, even though we'd not spoken for a long time, we had enough time to re-connect that we felt somewhat "sated". It occurred to me that when you're separated by distance and for a long time, you need to spend the time to replenish the well so to speak. You might not need to re-establish the bond of friendship, but you need to re-establish something. Something. I'm not quite sure what to call it, but something has to be re-established and only "enough" time can do it.
I never once felt that the actual friendship was in danger because of neglect. I like this fellow. Nothing was or is ever going to change that, but when I finally hung up the phone I felt like something important had taken place in that time. Something besides the good time and pleasant conversation. Something that only time well spent could create.
It made me think.
I have another friend, no really a lover, who is also distant at this time. His life is complicated and busy right now, and we are distant. I miss him terribly, but like my Internet friend, I'm not worried about the emotional bond being damaged. We will reconnect when we can, and emotionally nothing will have been lost. I know this to be true. But unlike my Internet friend, we will never have the kind of time to feel "sated" in the reconnecting. Time is a scarcity in this relationship.
A real scarcity.
And like all scarcities, certain laws apply to how they manifest. The law of scarcity means that when we can't have something, we want it more. And when we know we can have as much as we want of something, we want it less. I suppose that applies to people too, except I've noticed in myself, that I make some interesting emotional choices when it comes to scarcity. When something is scarce, I don't want it more after a while--I begin to want it less. Something in me begins to 'let go' of desire, because it becomes all to painfully obvious that I'll never be able to get enough time. Since there is nothing he can do to change the time element, the only thing I can do is change my desire for it.
I look at the scarcity, and see it differently. Eventually, I have the opposite reaction--I let go of desire. This has served me well in life, and I suppose in this particular relationship as well, since the Time factor can't be avoided. I don't let myself become obsessive or needy for time. I love him, but I don't let the Time factor distort my emotions--at least I never have prior to this other phone call with my other friend.
I was reminded how wonderful it is to have 'enough time' to re-connect. What a special place it can take you to. How complete and sated you can feel. I'd forgotten just how much of an impact on my well-being that could have. So many things in life are discovered when you get a "compared to what" moment. Moments when you can see something in a new light. See things in a profound light in fact.
With this man I love, I'm not afraid of the emotional challenges. I love him so completely. Time and distance can't destroy that. That's not my idealistic self speaking, we've managed this relationship for years and years, under the strictest of boundaries and we still love. I'm not fooling myself about that. But the one thing I had not realized is this... that despite the emotional certainty, I've never really accepted that there when we reconnect, I never feel that enough time is spent on reconnecting. Emotionally, I feel reconnected, but whatever that 'something I can't describe is' is always missing between me and him because we don't have the time. We'd never be able to spend 4+ hours on the phone on anything and everything. Talk until our voices were raw and we were exhausted from sharing every conceivable piece of trivia with each other.
And that .. depresses me, and worries me more than a little right now. I think I may be glimpsing in me, the very thing he has always worried about for me. That the lack of time would some day be more than I could take. Maybe scarcity has made me want him more and more over the years, and now that has just worn me out.
I don't know.
And that worries me too.
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