The Long term effects of depression

The problem with serious depression [well, it's not like there is any other kind of depression] is that it creeps along, taking more and more of the joy of life out of every day, hour and minute. Something as simple as loving to take a bubble bath late at night in oh so hot water, can become a chore in stead of the lovely sensual delight it once was.

Writing late at night to a lover so far away, becomes nothing but writer’s block and a feeling of emptiness. Where I used to have so many ideas, so many things to be say, and so little time to do it in, now I find only the cold and dark of night in the room with me.

All last summer and fall I redecorated my apartment. I had so much fun, but somewhere or another along the line, it all turned into nothing but a chore to clean. Now I know that can happen even when you’re not depressed. Women grow up cleaning, or I did anyway, and I’ll admit, it’s not my favorite thing to do. I do it because the alternative is too much of an “ick” factor. I like clean and tidy. But, even the joy of a clean room, fleeting as it might be, is missing.

All of these things can sporadically happen to any of us and it’s no cause for alarm. I know that. Which is why depression can creep up on you. I always say to myself, “oh this will pass. I’m just going through something now. It’ll pass”, and I go on about my business. Until somewhere along the line I wake up and realize that I don’t like anything about my life. I’m not angry about it. I’m not anything about it. I’m numb. I’m completely numb to my life and all my experiences “feel” the same no mater what I’m doing.

I think this has been hitting me since around Halloween time. Maybe it began before then. See, I just don’t know when it really began because I can’t distinguish events by emotions right now. And emotions are how we imprint memories. Without emotions, everything sort of gets compressed into one long day and an endless night. Hell, even sleep isn’t good any more.

There are times, I think I’m dying. I don’t want to die. I don’t think about taking my own life at all. But, something inside me keeps whispering “you’re dying”, in a real way not metaphorical. Of course, metaphorically that’s how it would feel to me–as if it were real. But, I’m so depressed, I can’t tell.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m mirroring a lover’s depression. And, I might be. But, it’s more likely that I think that in an effort to deflect onto him the things I should be looking at within myself. It’s easy to be all, “intuitive” and so close I feel what he feels. But, the reality is, that’s a cheap trick to look good to others, and yet mask my own troubles. I’m not consciously doing it, but I recognize the possibility that I am. Which only means, I’m ignoring my own condition, hoping it will cure itself.

So, we’re both depressed at the same time. Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. I’m sure it doesn’t surprise him either. There is a certain irony in our closeness and “mirroring”. It’s really good–no great–when it comes tom intimacy. But in that greatness of intimacy we feel both the good and the sad and painful. That’s not a problem really. It’s a part of the complete experience, which I wouldn’t trade for anything. But, it does reduce our ability to help one another when we are both in a deep depression.

I’ll be honest, I wish I could muster up some “Hey, notice me. Fix me. Help me.” Scream it to him. Scream it to anyone who will listen and understand. But, I don’t even have the energy to feel those thoughts, let alone act on them. He’s in his own space, and his needs are real and great right now. But, I’m not setting aside my own to please him. I just don’t feel like making it an issue. I don’t even have that much energy. My not involving him isn’t some kind of sacrifice on my part at all. It’s a complete disinterest in my own life.

The one constant thought in my head is “I want to be alone”. That’s all I seem to be able to focus on. My aloneness is my best friend right now. That’s not bad, as I’ve always liked my own company, but this time it is so severe. I’m not frightened. I’m concerned because I’m not frightened. But only concerned. I should be afraid of my lack of fear, or pain, or whatever. But, I can’t even muster up strong emotions about my lack of emotion.

That is very unlike me.

I’m seeing a therapist. Taking meds. Looking at my life. I’m doing all the things modern medicine and traditional therapy says I should do. I’m in there. Trying to have a break through. Maybe next week I will. Or next month. Or next year. It all seems the same to me at the moment.

I’m forcing myself to take a daily walk. Get out. See the world. The weather is wonderful and I should get out of the house. I know I should. I’m doing all the things I can think of, but I don’t feel anything. I guess I’ll keep on doing it til I feel it, but I wish I cared about it all more.

Can we be friends?

It's an interesting question that we've all faced, or presented to someone, in our lives. An intimate relationship encounters whatever happenstance, and it needs to change--dramatically. It needs to move out of romantic intimacy and make the transition to "friends only" OR it needs to end entirely.

I'm faced with just such a situation right now. And in facing this dilemma he asked if we could ever go to friends only. We've never been anything but romantic and intimate. Oh it was not love at first sight. We grew in our love, but it was intimate and romantic in energy, immediately.

I've always been able to make the transition with ex lovers before. In fact, I'm somewhat arrogant about my ability to work things out so I don't lose a lover entirely. I can do "just friends". In all those cases, I truly did make the transition too. I didn't just profess it, and feel "someday I can get him back". I didn't fool myself at all. It just happened. The love I felt mellowed, and I just was able to accept that we'd never be intimate again. We'd be just friends.

But this time, I'm not so sure, and it occurred to me that our astrological charts might reflect how this energy might work out. It was an interesting thing to look at. Something I'd really never done before, so it was a learning process I can add to my "bag of tricks" for work when helping others "try and be friends" when the romance is gone.

Looking at all my relationships, if there was one relationship that should have never been able to go "just friends" it was my ex-husband. We had a Sun/Moon conjunction that is really powerful and shows an attraction that really can't be broken. But, we somehow did do that, so apparently it takes more than a Sun/Moon conjunction [one of the most powerful aspects between charts for intimacy. It's a classic marriage aspect].

Sometimes Astrology is all about what can't happen or isn't allowed to happen in certain cross aspects. The Sun/Moon conjunction is pretty much unstoppable. It is a bond that can only be broken by circumstances outside the control of the two people [death, war, etc] and even then the people remain bonded. But, that is exactly what has happened between my ex and I--we are as bonded as ever, but we are "just friends". And we've talked about it extensively, and I don't feel either of us is in denial. I know I'm not.

So, it takes more than a Sun/Moon conjunction to stop the transition between going from lovers to "just friends". Although with another lover there was also a Sun/Moon conjunction [only reversed, my moon to his sun instead of my sun to his moon] and that is the only relationship that I could not make the transition. We still do not talk, and it's been over 10 years. It just became impossible to look at each other. We could not make the transition.

And I'll concede that the sign Aries [between my ex and I] has a better energy for making things work out, than Cancer [the one that never made the transition], which can emotionally stunt any growth or move out of the incident. So, signs involved play an important part along with the sun/moon conjunction aspect.

In my current situation, there is a sun/moon aspect, exact in degrees, but quincunx. There is an interesting addition. His Saturn is conjunct my Sun, my Saturn is conjunct his Moon. This brings us a classic male/female or yin yang energy to the relationship. The aspect itself is both good and problematic [which does describe our relationship from inception, although not between us, but in our relationship with our environments.]

Quincunx

A quincunx is present in a chart when two planets are 150 degrees from each other.

This Aspect, above all, demands that adjustments be made. Things will appear muted or unclear and one must resolve to gain some focus on the matters at hand. A reorganization of priorities, as well as a change in the way things are done, is wanting. A change in attitude, outlook and perspective can also be indicated.

It is also believed that this Aspect has karmic lessons to teach us. Along those lines, an extension of the quincunx is the Yod, also referred to as the 'Finger of God.' In this little-known configuration, considered the most fated in Astrology, two planets which are sextiling (a sixty-degree Aspect) each other are in communion with a third planet which rests opposite the midpoint of the sextile. These three planets would then form the letter 'Y' in the heavens (draw it for yourself and you'll see). The third planet, effectively at the bottom of the 'Y' figure, is the trigger point of the Yod. This very fated configuration adds great emphasis to the quincunx and speaks to significant lessons and issues to be overcome. Further, whenever a planet is transiting through the midpoint of the sextile segment of the Yod, the entire configuration is essentially on red alert. The burden is upon us to listen closely at this time, and to learn.

*sheesh*, I'd forgotten that my Sun sat right in the middle of one of his Yods. I also forgot to look at transiting Saturn when it was passing over his Sun [and the yod, and my sun]. I'll have to look at the timing on that. Shit, I wish I would remember to look at this stuff for myself.

I'm pretty sure the Saturn involved make this whole transition more difficult than it might be ordinarily. Saturn never allows for any ease in any endeavor. It's also reluctant to change roles, so I'm not sure either of us really wants to make the transition. It's not like our hearts are really in it, and with Saturn in the mix, unless we had a lot of drive to make the "just friends" work, I'm not seeing it work at all.

The Yod is a whole other story. That's a fated aspect. Generally, I don't even try to interpret what Yods might bring to the life of a couple or an individual. I'm not sure it helps to have an Astrologer explain it. It's an aspect that is meant to be lived, and for the purposes of evolution. I'm definitely not going to try and figure out what will happen in my own life. I learned a long time ago to live and let.. when it comes to using Astrology for my own life.

Still, I can "nod" my head in agreement with what I've figured out already. Much of it is what I've been feeling anyway. It's good to find some validation in Astrology though. It doesn't offer a solution in this instance, but it does make me feel less the hysterical angst ridden woman in love. I feel deeply, I am deeply in love, changing that wasn't ever going to be a walk in the park.

I suppose I was hoping for a better prospect Astrologically. I often try and let my clients know when things might resolve or what form that resolution might take. It helps to show people the light at the end of the tunnel I think. There are so many things in life we simply can't avoid, but it helps to know they will end.

The Yod and the Saturn involvement, actually don't show a nice neat and tidy end. In fact it shows exactly the opposite. That we will endure, almost for a karmic reason, and that endurance might not be fun at all. Which might make some sense if our combined lesson were some kind of experience to bring about a deeper understanding of relationships in general. The yod resides in the 5th, 7th and 12th houses. [romantic relationships, marriage and partnerships and sorrow]

Well, that was fun. I sometimes really love to look at how charts shape up in the middle of times of stress. I'm not sure I have any answers for my own situation. It seems my feelings are actually supported by the charts and aspects. So, I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill emotionally. I'm feeling an intensity, that is reflected in the bond we actually do have.

I guess all I can do is live this out.

I'd forgotten how powerful the placements were between us. I don't tend to use astrology every day in my own life. Too much of a bus-man's holiday I guess. Although I'd admonish my clients to remember exactly what I myself forgot. LOL Isn't that always my way. I think sometimes that because I'm an astrologer that I', immune from the influences of the stars. Funny, because of course I'm not immune at all. Not at all. Whenever I'm reminded of that, at least I can still smile at my naivety.

Thanks for listening, whoever you are. As you can see, I'm still here, and I'll try to write more. As you can see, I'm in the middle of some difficult things emotionally, and I need a place to vent and try and figure things out.

I'm still alive

Much to the chagrin of many of my staunchest critics.

Hope everyone is doing well.

I'll do a real update later.  I promise.

Spring Cleaning Music

N'uff said. Rock on Queen!

Venus Retrograde Until April 17th

Venus Retrograde (Coming March 6 2009 to April 17 2009)

Venus will be @ 15 degrees Aries when it goes retrograde on the 6th of March. It will travel backwards towards Pisces and re-enter Pisces on the 12th of April. Venus will begin to go direct on April 17th @ 29 degrees Pisces. Venus will not return to the original 15 degrees Aries until May 21st 2009.

Retrograde:

Venus spends less time retrograde than any other planet—only forty days once every eighteen months. In a birth chart, Venus retrograde represents a set of personal goals and values which appear to go against the grain of natural forces and instincts. It is the symbol of ascetics, athletics and others who train, fight or redirect natural urges. It denotes the artist’s total commitment to art and the values and ideals she is attempting to show.

In a man’s natal chart, Venus retrograde indicates a powerful focus on fulfilling a well-defined set of ideals and goals, often of a social-political, spiritual or athletic nature. Living up to his chosen ideals may become the central focus in life, and a man with Venus retrograde may need to exercise more sensitivity and delicacy when applying his ideals to others.

In a woman’s natal chart, Venus retrograde suggest a life uncommon to most women. Such a woman often dares to break new ground, refusing to accept traditional female roles. As a result, women with Venus retrograde often find themselves amid emotional struggles and public controversy regarding their uncompromising quest for truth, justice and acceptance.

Love & Close Relationships during a Venus retrograde phase.

We may be called upon to reevaluate our existing close relationships. Venus retrograde is a good time to think and talk about issues, review and discuss what has worked well for you before and what has not. This is not the time to finalize either commitments or separations, as the value or lack thereof in the relationship might not be apparent to you now. Partners are more indecisive and fickle during Venus retrograde. Assumptions of other people’s feelings are often inaccurate, so open and honest communication is vital.

The real focus now is your relationship with yourself, and this time is especially good for acts of kindness and love toward yourself. So many times when the people close to us are aggravating or frustrating, the problem is with us, not them. It’s important during Venus retrograde to take some time and space for yourself, to feel your feelings. Especially if there is anger, just recognize and honor the hurt feelings that are underneath. Just by recognizing and honoring them, you create inner peace.

In a relationship that begins or ends during this time, it’s a good time to experiment, but moving too fast and overwhelming yourself before you know what’s going on is also a possibility. Just tune into your instincts for guidance. If you feel unsettled within yourself, jumpy, or nervy, give yourself some time and space to breathe and think before taking action.

The most important thing is, don’t be frightened by Venus retrograde. It happens every year and a half, so rest assured you have already survived it many times! Astrology is the study of cycles: all of them useful, some difficult, but none inherently bad, unless you resist the flow, and expect everything to go as usual during this time. Going along with the energy, taking advantage of the opportunities it offers, makes for a smoother ride and pleasant surprises.

This is the first one since late July 2007-August 2007, and the signs involved were Virgo and Leo.

This time, Venus will be going backwards in the sign of Aries, so there will be a lot of reevaluation regarding "how we go about getting what we want". Aries is the sign of Action and while Venus is traveling retrograde through Aries, we will face the ineffectiveness and frustration regarding the manner with which we go about getting what we want. "Venus is what we desire; Mars [the ruler of Aries] is how we go about getting what we want." This retrograde cycle can be summed up with that statement. What do we want? And how can we get it? This is the crux of this particular Venus Retrograde.

The good news about this retrograde is that you may well find yourself able to repair damage done to relationships during the last reverse cycle [July/Aug 2007).

On the other hand, Venus retrograde can be a difficult time when it’s a little harder to relate, so make the effort, if you know it’s worthwhile. Venus is also about values, as well as love and money. ,

Venus going backwards will also mean she will go over certain points in all our charts, not once, not twice, but three times. That can have its pluses! Use the Venus retrograde period to reevaluate both your finances and your love life.

When Venus, planet of love and money, is in reverse, it’s the time to look at what you are putting into your relationship or a paid job, versus what you are getting out of it. If you think you are being lazy, it’s time to fix that. If, on the other hand, you think it’s you that’s doing all the running, working too hard, and getting little back, then this is also the time to think about it.

Venus doesn’t officially start to go backwards until March 6th, but even as the month begins, we are in the shadow period, so it’s already a good time to start contemplating those cash and love ‘‘investments’’. For the record, it’s also said that the pretty frou frou (Venusian) luxuries we buy when Venus is retrograde are the things we never wear. Because Venus is about taste and art and finery, sometimes we get a slightly skewed sense of what we love in that department while she is in a reverse cycle. You have been warned!

Basics on the influence of Venus:

The first planet within Earth’s orbit, Venus represents the centripetal, inward-pulling elements of life and experience which urge us toward inner union and togetherness with others. Venus is the attraction-repulsion principle, it symbolizes guiding values and ideals, and the feminine aspect of nature.


Traditional Attributes:

Harmony, art, beauty, grace, charm and affection. Pleasure, comfort and luxury. Personalized love and expressions of love. Receptivity and the ability to attract others and maintain relationships. Attractive or desirable people, places and things. The Venus principle is represented by love goddesses of world mythology, such as the Greek Aphrodite and the Hindu Kamala.


Humanistic Interpretation:

Venus represents our personal ideals, goals and values. Our sensitivities and affinities are symbolized by Venus, as well as the capacity to appreciate, interpret and give meaning to life- experiences and relationships. In a birth chart, it shows how one judges oneself, others and situations. It indicates how to best achieve satisfaction and fulfillment, and the instincts which guide us along the way. Venus symbolizes one’s “moral compass” and emotional capacity, as well as intimacy and connectiveness. Venus represents one’s archetypal form of individuality, in so much as individuality is defined by one’s inner values.


For A Man:

In a man’s birth chart, Venus represents his anima—the inner, often hidden and secret, feminine aspect of his psychology. It shows the receptive, sensitive and appreciative side of his personality, and what he most values. Venus in a man’s horoscope also symbolizes the qualities he finds most attractive in a women—qualities he may project upon women and expect them to fulfill.


For A Woman:

In a woman’s birth chart, Venus denotes her truest feminine qualities, the qualities she most wants to realize and embody. In today’s highly competitive society, a woman’s Venusian character may be overshadowed by the masculine planets—especially Mars (drive) and Saturn (control)—which allow her to survive and succeed in the world of business and career. By tuning into her Venusian qualities, a woman can better maintain the delicate balance between her outer, career life and her feminine identity.